I have lost weight in the past.. one time I lost 80 pounds.. that was about 7 -8 years ago. and guess what I have gained all of that back in that time.. there have only been two other occasions where I have been this heavy.. once when I was pregenant with my boy (so 13 years ago) and the other before I lost that 80 pounds.. so why now when I am this heavy do I think is it ok to stay this heavy for the last several months???? why????
Inside I know it is not ok, I don't like my body, I don't like several things about being so big.. so why have not I changed?? I don't know.... I have gotten complacent in life.. busy with work and school.. well I need to get some time in there to exercise that was the main reason I wanted a Wii and I even have Wii Active... but this last month I have not even played the Wii.. That needs to change! A lot about what I do, how I do it, what I eat, when I eat, how I eat.... NEEDS TO CHANGE!!!
I did go home and worked out with Wii Active after that humiliating episode from yesterday.. so I felt some what better.. If I can do that when I get home.. just 10-15 minutes that all it takes... that will get me started...
Oh, yeah I came on to talk about being hungry at night.. I know that eating after a certain time is bad.. I try not too.. the last year or so I have gotten sloppy in that and have eaten.. So Tuesday I was HUNGRY, I eat a salad about 6 and by 9-10 I was starving! but I did not eat... =) I went to bed with my stomach growling at me.. I was drinking water.. oohh, I will have to try drinking some tea...
anyway, last night same thing.. ate 2/3 of a chicken breast and some broccoli and cauliflaur (spelling?) at about 6 and then nothing else!! I was even up late until like 11:30 and did not eat! I am proud of myself..
I remember from before that the hunger at night can go one for several nights to more than a week, I am prepared for the fight!! hahaha =)
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
the day I hit rock bottom
mentally the day sucked the big one...
physically the day sucked another big one....
financially it sucked the third one....
pmsing and very broke does not go well with a kid who wants things.. even though they are less then $5 and $10 bucks... that is now $15 less in the gas tank, and I don't get paid again until the 15th...
him being on my laptop when I am work is stressfull also.. for some reason he could not type in "ecosystem" properly!!! he tried three times, then had to get Suzanna, she tried twice and finally got it... hello E C O S Y S T E M !!! nine little letters! damn kid!! and then he asks if I can change it to something easier. Even has the nerve to say he that can look around and see about doing that....WHAT?!?! I tell him in no uncertain tone of voice and words, that if he does that he will NEVER be on my laptop again!!!
ok, now on the some of the physically shit that happened to me today
on the way from work I had to stop by the store, i was not in there more that 4 minutes and some ass in a big 4 door truck had to park too close. I could not get in my truck!!! It was either climb over from passenger side - which I am not flexible enough for that.. or wait for the ass to comeout of the store... I decided to try to squeeze in.. I almost got stuck! I have this soft tissue damage on the lower back, and man let me tell you that FRIGGIN HURT squeezing in!! and then my right leg was almost not able to make it in. I was almost literally STUCK!! I felt so humilated! I could not give up, so I forced past the pain and got in my truck.. for good meassure and it did help the tension some, I slammed my door into the asses truck a couple of times. I was sooo mad and hurt and humilated. I cried on the way home! partly from the pain and partly from the humilation!
I have reached the low point, I need to change!!
physically the day sucked another big one....
financially it sucked the third one....
pmsing and very broke does not go well with a kid who wants things.. even though they are less then $5 and $10 bucks... that is now $15 less in the gas tank, and I don't get paid again until the 15th...
him being on my laptop when I am work is stressfull also.. for some reason he could not type in "ecosystem" properly!!! he tried three times, then had to get Suzanna, she tried twice and finally got it... hello E C O S Y S T E M !!! nine little letters! damn kid!! and then he asks if I can change it to something easier. Even has the nerve to say he that can look around and see about doing that....WHAT?!?! I tell him in no uncertain tone of voice and words, that if he does that he will NEVER be on my laptop again!!!
ok, now on the some of the physically shit that happened to me today
on the way from work I had to stop by the store, i was not in there more that 4 minutes and some ass in a big 4 door truck had to park too close. I could not get in my truck!!! It was either climb over from passenger side - which I am not flexible enough for that.. or wait for the ass to comeout of the store... I decided to try to squeeze in.. I almost got stuck! I have this soft tissue damage on the lower back, and man let me tell you that FRIGGIN HURT squeezing in!! and then my right leg was almost not able to make it in. I was almost literally STUCK!! I felt so humilated! I could not give up, so I forced past the pain and got in my truck.. for good meassure and it did help the tension some, I slammed my door into the asses truck a couple of times. I was sooo mad and hurt and humilated. I cried on the way home! partly from the pain and partly from the humilation!
I have reached the low point, I need to change!!
Monday, August 2, 2010
It's August and my boy is HOME!!!
Yeah!!!
The last two weeks I have not gotten on and blogged... sorry!
But the last three days have seen me driving 1600 miles to get my boy!! I did it in 2 1/2 days!!!
Dang!!! But my body is screaming at me today, as well as my checking account!! YIKES!! It took about $500 give or take a few... That is about $400 that I did not have to spend.. so bill paying this month is going to rough..
But anyway the boy is home!!! YEAH!!!
The last two weeks I have not gotten on and blogged... sorry!
But the last three days have seen me driving 1600 miles to get my boy!! I did it in 2 1/2 days!!!
Dang!!! But my body is screaming at me today, as well as my checking account!! YIKES!! It took about $500 give or take a few... That is about $400 that I did not have to spend.. so bill paying this month is going to rough..
But anyway the boy is home!!! YEAH!!!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Day 13... July 13th
Man do I have some catching up to do...
Day 9 - July 9th... very busy day! both at work and at home doing a college assingement.. did not stop until about 9p.m. by then I was so stressed and wounded up.. that I could not go to bed right away. Dad had gone to Elko Thursday evening, Suzanna was in bed as she had to wake up at 2 the next morning... so i decided to go and watch tv or a movie.. I watched Angels & Demons.. I have been wanting to watch that movie, just have not had the chance.. what a good movie!! now I want to read the book,,, I know it is usually the other way around book first then movie.. but anyway,, my boss has read the books and he says the book #3 is good!! The Lost Symbol.. or the Last Symbol.. I can't remember..
July 10,, Michelle's wedding day... I had a lazy morning.. I should have put gas in the truck before Suzanna got off work but I didn't - it was too hot to run around I wanted to go home and get some research going on my assingment for the next day.. so that is what I did.. Suzanna got home about 1pm, showered, and then we went got gas and her something to eat.. left town about 2:15.. we got to Elko just after 4pm, but Michelle would not start with out us.. so Steph was all bent out of shape! biatch!!! Reception was ok,,, too many people.. too many giggling young ladies.. too many times of Jim (the groom) saying that me & suzanna were his favorite lesbian aunts!!! ggrrrr!! i am more than that! I hate, HATE, it when people just see me as a lesbian!! I am more than that!! Suzanna is more than that!! if he would have been saying favorite aunts,, would have been different - but no he had to keep saying the lesbian thing!! anyway, that rant over! hahaha
Anyway, I wrote a blessing in their wedding card.. I will post it later tonight.. i had suzanna read it and she said I was a shit!! hahahah hehehehe.. there is nothing pagan or wiccan about what i wrote!!! it sounds like an Irish Blessing! hehehe I even put God in there, instead of Goddess & God.. I put God, just God....
Left Elko about 7.. got home.. suzanna had to go straight to bed as she had to get up at 2 again!! So what did I do??? I watched Angels & Demons again!!! and started a new cross stitch.. this is one that kenny picked up at a craft store a while back.. eventually I can work on my dragon again! oh after the movie I was ready to go to bed.. went to the restroom first, was in there reading Harry Potter #7 until 1:45... sheesh!!
July 11 - Sunday.. another lazy morning for me as I did not get to bed till 1:45.. suzanna got up at 2.. so i did not really sleep until 2:15-2:30.. then when I did get up, I had to read HP#7!! had to finish!! could not think of anything else! not my college assingment not eating nothing until it was done! this is only the second time of reading #7..
got a call from a good long time friend about 1-2 pm.. I have known her since 3rd grade.. ours dads have known each other longer... i met her because i went to the wedding where her mom got married to my dads friend.. well she called to say that her dad had died on Saturday.... what a shock!!!!!!! he was always such a good guy! dependable, knowledgeable, macguyver like mechanic....
as my dad was still in elko till that evening.. i called my sister and told her that way we could decided wether to tell dad now or wait until he got home... we decided to tell him then as i did not want anyone else to call later while he was driving or something.. so my sister told him...
the rest of the day was spent working to keep my mind off of the loss of a great person!!! RIP Ralph
July 12 - Day 12... Monday.. dad talked to Ralphs wife and found out more of what happened and found out that the funeral was Friday..
So I decided to call Kenny and tell him what happened.. I told my ex first, and then I told Kenny.. that is the first time that it was really hard to tell someone.. not even telling my sister was as hard as telling Kenny!!
July 13- Tuesday.. was doing ok, until my friend just came in to see about some food to settle her stomach with... she has to take her daughter in to see "papa" and she is nervous about what is going to happen.. her daughter is usually so outspoken and delightful.. but that is her Papa!!
Ok I am crying now and I really need to stop.. I am all caught up now and need to get some actual work done!! hahaha dang internet always intervenes...hehehehe
Day 9 - July 9th... very busy day! both at work and at home doing a college assingement.. did not stop until about 9p.m. by then I was so stressed and wounded up.. that I could not go to bed right away. Dad had gone to Elko Thursday evening, Suzanna was in bed as she had to wake up at 2 the next morning... so i decided to go and watch tv or a movie.. I watched Angels & Demons.. I have been wanting to watch that movie, just have not had the chance.. what a good movie!! now I want to read the book,,, I know it is usually the other way around book first then movie.. but anyway,, my boss has read the books and he says the book #3 is good!! The Lost Symbol.. or the Last Symbol.. I can't remember..
July 10,, Michelle's wedding day... I had a lazy morning.. I should have put gas in the truck before Suzanna got off work but I didn't - it was too hot to run around I wanted to go home and get some research going on my assingment for the next day.. so that is what I did.. Suzanna got home about 1pm, showered, and then we went got gas and her something to eat.. left town about 2:15.. we got to Elko just after 4pm, but Michelle would not start with out us.. so Steph was all bent out of shape! biatch!!! Reception was ok,,, too many people.. too many giggling young ladies.. too many times of Jim (the groom) saying that me & suzanna were his favorite lesbian aunts!!! ggrrrr!! i am more than that! I hate, HATE, it when people just see me as a lesbian!! I am more than that!! Suzanna is more than that!! if he would have been saying favorite aunts,, would have been different - but no he had to keep saying the lesbian thing!! anyway, that rant over! hahaha
Anyway, I wrote a blessing in their wedding card.. I will post it later tonight.. i had suzanna read it and she said I was a shit!! hahahah hehehehe.. there is nothing pagan or wiccan about what i wrote!!! it sounds like an Irish Blessing! hehehe I even put God in there, instead of Goddess & God.. I put God, just God....
Left Elko about 7.. got home.. suzanna had to go straight to bed as she had to get up at 2 again!! So what did I do??? I watched Angels & Demons again!!! and started a new cross stitch.. this is one that kenny picked up at a craft store a while back.. eventually I can work on my dragon again! oh after the movie I was ready to go to bed.. went to the restroom first, was in there reading Harry Potter #7 until 1:45... sheesh!!
July 11 - Sunday.. another lazy morning for me as I did not get to bed till 1:45.. suzanna got up at 2.. so i did not really sleep until 2:15-2:30.. then when I did get up, I had to read HP#7!! had to finish!! could not think of anything else! not my college assingment not eating nothing until it was done! this is only the second time of reading #7..
got a call from a good long time friend about 1-2 pm.. I have known her since 3rd grade.. ours dads have known each other longer... i met her because i went to the wedding where her mom got married to my dads friend.. well she called to say that her dad had died on Saturday.... what a shock!!!!!!! he was always such a good guy! dependable, knowledgeable, macguyver like mechanic....
as my dad was still in elko till that evening.. i called my sister and told her that way we could decided wether to tell dad now or wait until he got home... we decided to tell him then as i did not want anyone else to call later while he was driving or something.. so my sister told him...
the rest of the day was spent working to keep my mind off of the loss of a great person!!! RIP Ralph
July 12 - Day 12... Monday.. dad talked to Ralphs wife and found out more of what happened and found out that the funeral was Friday..
So I decided to call Kenny and tell him what happened.. I told my ex first, and then I told Kenny.. that is the first time that it was really hard to tell someone.. not even telling my sister was as hard as telling Kenny!!
July 13- Tuesday.. was doing ok, until my friend just came in to see about some food to settle her stomach with... she has to take her daughter in to see "papa" and she is nervous about what is going to happen.. her daughter is usually so outspoken and delightful.. but that is her Papa!!
Ok I am crying now and I really need to stop.. I am all caught up now and need to get some actual work done!! hahaha dang internet always intervenes...hehehehe
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Day 8 without my boy!!!
Day 8
Ok, I have been trying to come on everyday to post something, just to have a place to put thoughts.. and I figure I would use the time while my boy is away to get in the habit of daily bloggin... it seems to be working..
Today was busy, still is infact and it is now 11:37 p.m. I have been trying to work on homework assingement, but I am tired of gettin assaulted by bugs!! I HATE SUMMER for the simple fact that bugs, flying bugs get in the house!!! The love the computer light and the desk light.. even though the ceiling lights are on, they have to come and land on me!!! aauugghh!! I have this thing with bugs landing on me!! So I am just about to call it a night! I will set my alarm for early and come out and try to get some work done before I go to work tomorrow. If not I am taking my laptop with me to work and with work on my essay during lunch hour.
I texted my boy a few times today.. I am glad that he has a cell phone!
I am stressed about this weekend.. my neice is getting married on Saturday. the wedding is only 120 miles away.. but I have another assingement due Sunday that I NEED to research for! I might swing by the library for an actual book!! that i can take with me and read some when i have the chance.. i can always read chapter 4 in my text book also.. i am sure that there is something in there also about the assingement.
ok, so i blogged!!! yeah me! it is almost midnight, i have the heebee geebbeess due to the flying shits landing on me!!! hahaha
good night sweet world!!! blessings to all who accept my thoughts tonight!!
Ok, I have been trying to come on everyday to post something, just to have a place to put thoughts.. and I figure I would use the time while my boy is away to get in the habit of daily bloggin... it seems to be working..
Today was busy, still is infact and it is now 11:37 p.m. I have been trying to work on homework assingement, but I am tired of gettin assaulted by bugs!! I HATE SUMMER for the simple fact that bugs, flying bugs get in the house!!! The love the computer light and the desk light.. even though the ceiling lights are on, they have to come and land on me!!! aauugghh!! I have this thing with bugs landing on me!! So I am just about to call it a night! I will set my alarm for early and come out and try to get some work done before I go to work tomorrow. If not I am taking my laptop with me to work and with work on my essay during lunch hour.
I texted my boy a few times today.. I am glad that he has a cell phone!
I am stressed about this weekend.. my neice is getting married on Saturday. the wedding is only 120 miles away.. but I have another assingement due Sunday that I NEED to research for! I might swing by the library for an actual book!! that i can take with me and read some when i have the chance.. i can always read chapter 4 in my text book also.. i am sure that there is something in there also about the assingement.
ok, so i blogged!!! yeah me! it is almost midnight, i have the heebee geebbeess due to the flying shits landing on me!!! hahaha
good night sweet world!!! blessings to all who accept my thoughts tonight!!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Day 7
July 7
Today is so much better then yesterday! Yesterday sucked!! From Monday evening to Tuesday morning I had a sinus headache that progressed to a migraine. By the time that I got out of bed yesterday I had already woke up several times throughout the night with my head feeling like it was in a vicegrip. But usually sleep helps this things, not that night!!!
Yesterday morning was a blur of pain and tiredness. I got to work and took both sinus headache pills and migraine pills.. by ten o'clock the pain was gone but I was so out of it. For my lunch hour I leaned back in my chair and slept.
When I got home last night I had to get busy and turn in my first assingment for class. Enviromental Science. The first assingment is just an introduction posting a discussion board thread. Just about done when dad comes out to start dinner. These are the times that I hate having my desk where it is. The radio was on and it was kinda loud. Which usually does not bother me, but it was on the local country station which is staticky.. actaully when the radio is at all stations are staticky!! So I hurried up and got done with my intro and retreated to my bedroom to read chapter 3 in my text book and ended up reading some of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I have only read that book once or twice. I think possibly just once. So this would make twice.
anyway, last night went ok. tonight is the first class chat. The first real assingment is due on Friday so tonight and tomorrow night is going to be reasearch and writing.
I miss my son!! We talked a little bit on Facebook yesterday! A little bit.. like 6 sentences.. but that is ok... I am glad that he is older and that his dad is not a stupid as he was when he was with wife #3. I am also glad that my son does not have to put up with that stepmom anymore!! hehehehe
Ok, time to get to work.
Later all!!!
Today is so much better then yesterday! Yesterday sucked!! From Monday evening to Tuesday morning I had a sinus headache that progressed to a migraine. By the time that I got out of bed yesterday I had already woke up several times throughout the night with my head feeling like it was in a vicegrip. But usually sleep helps this things, not that night!!!
Yesterday morning was a blur of pain and tiredness. I got to work and took both sinus headache pills and migraine pills.. by ten o'clock the pain was gone but I was so out of it. For my lunch hour I leaned back in my chair and slept.
When I got home last night I had to get busy and turn in my first assingment for class. Enviromental Science. The first assingment is just an introduction posting a discussion board thread. Just about done when dad comes out to start dinner. These are the times that I hate having my desk where it is. The radio was on and it was kinda loud. Which usually does not bother me, but it was on the local country station which is staticky.. actaully when the radio is at all stations are staticky!! So I hurried up and got done with my intro and retreated to my bedroom to read chapter 3 in my text book and ended up reading some of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I have only read that book once or twice. I think possibly just once. So this would make twice.
anyway, last night went ok. tonight is the first class chat. The first real assingment is due on Friday so tonight and tomorrow night is going to be reasearch and writing.
I miss my son!! We talked a little bit on Facebook yesterday! A little bit.. like 6 sentences.. but that is ok... I am glad that he is older and that his dad is not a stupid as he was when he was with wife #3. I am also glad that my son does not have to put up with that stepmom anymore!! hehehehe
Ok, time to get to work.
Later all!!!
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Day 4 - July 4th
Woke up ok, spent too much time in bed so woke up with slight headache and a backache. The headache was not too bad.. took some meds and it was ok, until after I gave the dogs a bath. Giving Fluffy a bath hurt my hips and made my head hurt more. But as the day went on, it was ok, but the headache came back worse.
Anyway, enough complaining... Kenny called and said that they had fun today playing at the lake. Thats cool... then it dawned on me that I have not spend the last 2 forth of July's with Kenny. Last year he was at Boy Scout camp.
ok, ok, enough i am not making sense tonight because of my head.. just wanted to come on and put some thoughts down...done..
good night
Anyway, enough complaining... Kenny called and said that they had fun today playing at the lake. Thats cool... then it dawned on me that I have not spend the last 2 forth of July's with Kenny. Last year he was at Boy Scout camp.
ok, ok, enough i am not making sense tonight because of my head.. just wanted to come on and put some thoughts down...done..
good night
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